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WilmaWelcome to my dissertation for the School of Hard Knocks. 2006/11/13 Avoiding Sexual Revictimization Part III - The Vulnerable WomanFor the past couple of posts, I have been sharing information I learned while taking a class to avoid sexual revictimization.
Three elements come together when a sexual assault occurs. They are a sexually coercive man, a risky scenario, and a vulnerable woman. So far, I have covered the sexually coercive man and the risky scenarios. In this entry, I will discuss the third element, the vulnerable woman.
First the very fact that we are female makes women vulnerable. Our physical differences in size and strength are visible, but many other aspects contribute to our vulnerability.
For example, girls are typically raised differently than boys.
Girls are taught to:
To compound matters, women who have a history of prior physical abuse have an increased vulnerability to future abuse. Some of those factors may include:
It is important for women to contemplate and establish boundaries for themselves. A boundary is an invisible line around you that separates you from other people. It is the line between what you are comfortable with and what you are uncomfortable with. It is the line between what is acceptable to you and what is unacceptable to you. Survivors of abuse may have difficulty setting protective boundaries, because their boundaries have been repeatedly crossed by abusive people. A lack of protective boundaries means a woman may have difficulty saying no; she may find herself answering even when a question is invasive; or she may find herself spilling or disclosing too much personal information. Difficulty with self-protection means:
Whenever a woman has difficulty setting boundaries, she will be more vulnerable to sexual assault. She may find herself in situations she doesn't really want to be in simply because she doesn't feel she can say no. She may end up having sex with someone because she was afraid she would hurt the man's feelings. She may even do this when her feelings are being disregarded. (It is quite common, in fact, for women to find themselves in this type of situation.) But the bottom line is... You deserve to be treated well even if you've been mistreated in the past! Conversely, Self Care means:
Set protective boundaries for yourself. You can make your own boundaries and can open and close them as you choose. You can open up your boundaries to let people you trust be closer to you. (You might share more information with them and feel more comfortable being physically close to them.) With people you don't know well or people you distrust, you might keep your boundaries closed by not getting too personal. Setting strong and healthy boundaries around yourself and your life is an important way to take care of yourself. Boundaries help protect your physical safety and emotional well-being. You can voice your boundaries and make decisions about what you will and won't accept from other people. Learn to trust your intuition. Don't ignore that uncomfortable feeling that comes into your gut. That feeling is the result of someone crossng your boundaries. Know yourself. Know what you want, and do not let anyone cross your boundaries. 2006/11/9 Avoiding Sexual Revictimization Part II - A Risky ScenarioAs I stated in my previous blog...
three elements come together when an assault occurs...
In this entry I will focus on the risky scenario. There are as many situations that lead to rape as there are rape victims, but the most common risky scenarios contain the following factors:
To avoid future sexual revictimization, it is important for a woman to recognized when she may be getting herself into a risky situation. Women should avoid being Away From Help:
The bottom line is someone should always know where you are going. Alcohol and Drugs create a risky scenario when:
And finally, many rapes occur when a woman is Caught up in the Moment. These feelings may be associated with:
The third element of sexual assault I will write about in my next post is the vulnerable woman, and it's a big one. It may be as difficult for some of you to read as it will be for me to write, but it's important. Once I have the three elements in place, I will dedicate a couple of additional entries too putting everything together, giving examples, and offering strategies for avoiding revictimization. There's more to come. Everything is a process. 2006/11/5 Avoiding Sexual Revictimization Part I - The Sexually Coercive ManI recently took a course aimed at giving women strategies for their safety. The goals of the class were to teach women to recognize some of the tactics of men who assault women, to recognize responses women may have learned that can make us vulnerable to these men, and ways to avoid or get oneself out of dangerous situations.
Statistics show that one in 4 women will be a victim of sexual assault during her lifetime. Relatively few women are attacked by strangers: 3 in 4 victims are assaulted by someone they know, and rape is the most underreported of all crimes: about 2/3 of rape victims do not report the crime to the police.
Furthermore, studies have shown that women who have been sexually victimized are at increased risk for further victimization, and women who were sexually abused as children or teens are especially likely to be re-assaulted. The reasons vary but generally include psychological changes such as depression and shutting down, dissociation or tuning out, low self-esteem, high need for approval, difficulty judging whom to trust, and difficulty setting clear physical and emotional boundaries. Lifestyle changes after a rape or sexual assault also contribute. These include but are not limited to, alcohol and drug abuse used to block out memory or self medicate, and multiple sex partners to try and feel in control of sex again or to try and prove that it won't happen again.
Three elements come together when an assault occurs...
(I want to acknowledge that sexual assualt happens to vulnerable men and children as well, but I will use women throughout this piece as an example.) In this first segment, I want to share what I learned about how to spot a sexually coersive man. Generally, coercive men are controlling, self-centered, easily angered, willing to get physical quickly, aggressive, disrespectful, manipulative, entitled, and tend to sexualize situations. Here are some things to watch for. A sexually coercive man may:
(You can see from this list that you can quickly weed out a lot of losers.) But the tactics that coercive men use can be tricky. Some are easier to spot than others, but generally fall within three categories:
Examples of phychological abuse would include trying to control you. He may try telling you what to do, or checking up on your activities. He will usually ignore your preferences and wishes, and will criticize you or demean you if he doesn't get his way. To get what he wants a sexually coercive man often uses manipulation. He may be too flattering or come on too strong, too fast. He may ask questions that are too personal, or try to get you to engage in inappropriate sexual conversations or make obscene suggestions. He may attempt to touch you inappropriately for the level of the relationship. OR, he may resort to begging and insisting. Physical abuse, force, or coercion are more serious. He may threaten to harm or use force. He may try to overpower, outnumber, or try holding or pinning you down. A coercive man may try to disable his victim by getting her drunk or high or secretly drugging her, and he may use a weapon or force by hitting, kicking, or strangling. Now, if some of these descriptions make you want to say, "Well, duh, Wilma, of course these are crappy men. Of course, we should stay away from men who fit the above descriptions," please be patient. I'm laying the groundwork here to put all three elements together. I will cover the second element, The Risky Scenario, in my next blog. 2006/10/22 Clues of an Exploitive Person (Male or Female)One of the most difficult things to do after being raped is learning again to trust your surroundings and the people you meet. What used to feel spontaneous, now becomes filled with doubts and fear. If your rape was the result of domestic abuse or rape by a family member, your sense of security and safety is especially shattered. (I would urge anyone in these situations to seek help from from their local hospital or rape crisis center.) Whatever the circumstances were regarding the violence against you, the bottom line is that it becomes very difficult to discern people you can trust from people you cannot.
As a tool to help me with this discerning process, I was given the following checklist by my therapist. It is universal. It applies to both men and women, and can be used to examine not only your love relationship, but your relationships with male and female friends and family members as well.
I hope this helps.
Clues of an Exploitive Person (Male or Female)
Take care of yourself first! 2006/8/16 Seasons of JourneyI recently picked up a sexual assault awareness calendar at my counselor's office, and found this inspirational piece inside...
Seasons of Journey
As often as I rise
to another glorious morning sunrise
and each time I come to the close
of another season of journey
it is what it is
not perception, but life.
Each day carries its own curriculum
I know not what lesson I am to learn
but I've learned a thousand lessons
in one.
I have answers without questions
and questions without answers.
And in conclusion,
there is but one answer.
So the answer of the matter
has put me in motion
and I got on my walking shoes
taking a step; one breath,
one morning, one evening,
one day at a time.
And still there's no time
to put up my walking shoes
because even though
I've seen some things
there is still so much I haven't seen.
And even though
I've learned some things
and feel as if I've traveled a lifetime
there is still so much I'm yet to learn.
But, I'm learning and I'm walking
and I'm still continuing this journey
taking it one step; one breath
one morning, one evening,
one day at a time.
by Harperseed 2006/7/29 ScarsI have a scar, approximately an inch long, right above my left eyebrow.
When I was three years old, my mother put me down for a nap and closed the door to the bedroom, assuming I would go to sleep. Instead of quietly settling down for a nap, however, I chose to take advantage of my privacy by jumping on the bed as if it were a trampoline. After some pleasurable bouncing, (perhaps I was getting tired) I fell and landed on the edge of the bed, splitting my head open on the footboard of the bed frame. Blood poured out of the gash in my forehead.
Suddenly, afraid that I would get in trouble, I decided it was time to settle down and take my nap. I fell asleep as blood continued to seep into the pillow.
A couple hours later, I wandered out into the kitchen, well-rested, with blood crusted and caked to the side of my face. My mother, of course, was immediately alarmed and ushered me into the bathroom to inspect the laceration on my forehead.
We lived on a farm several miles from the nearest town, and even then, if I recall correctly, the nearest hospital was still another 12 miles west of that. Furthermore, my father was opposed to going to the hospital unless you were dying, so my mother cleaned the cut and patched me up as well as she could.
Now, 35 years later, the scar is still there, but I barely see it. In fact, I part my hair on that side, leaving the scar fully exposed, and don't think about it. I am more concerned with the furrows forming from age and stress in my forehead than the little scar of my youth, perched above my eyebrow.
I don't concentrate on the pain it may have initially caused me, lament the imperfection in my skin, or try to find ways to erase it. It is my scar, and I wear it with honor. I am actually proud of it, because it tells a story of a precocious, strong-willed little girl, a girl with a mind and spirit of her own, and she is me.
That scar is a part of who I am. It is history traced out on my skin.
Not long after I was raped, I received a comment from a man with a link to a story he shared about his wife. (Unfortunately, after searching through hundreds of comments, I still can't find it to provide the link, but I'll keep trying.) His wife had been severely abused as a child. His story told of his love for his wife and of the immense admiration he had for her for surviving the horrific crimes of sexual and mental abuse. In his eyes, her scars were beautiful. Her scars made him love her even more.
The last physical scars of my rape are located on my right thigh. I received powerful preventative antibiotics at the hospital during my forensic exam which resulted in a powerful, painful allergic reaction. I broke out in a head-to-toe ichy rash. The scars on my thigh are the lingering signs of my rape. The rash is gone, but the patches of skin that broke out seem to attract more melanin than others, producing brown blotches on my thigh.
I don't know yet what the ultimate story behind these scars will be, but I think I am starting to see it. I will always remember their origin, but I will be able to say that my scars represent the moment I became a stronger, wiser woman.
My skin is a palimpsest, with stories, good and bad, mapped out in patterns created by marks, melanin, and scar tissue. Each scar denotes a unique experience, which is mine and mine alone. No one will experience what I have experienced in the same way. They represent moments of pain, strenghth and bravery. They are the expansion of my character, my failures and my triumphs.
They are my badges of courage, and no one can take them from me. 2006/7/26 My MissionThanks, Chris for saying you missed me! :-) I've been inspired to write this morning because of your words. I've been SO absent from blogging. The sun has been shining and the temperatures have been in the 80s and 90s, so it's extremely difficult for me to sit at my computer when I want to be outside.
I would like to invite you to read my other blog, Junk Drawer. (Although I'm not very good at keeping that one updated during the summer either.) As this blog has become increasingly focused on the subjects of sexual assault and domestic violence, I have shifted more of the fun, lighthearted writing to Junk Drawer. I hope you will join me there for jokes, ramblings, and movie and book reviews.
Why two blogs? Ironically, there are two reasons. :-)
First, as this blog has increasingly become focused on the issues of sexual assault and domestic violence, I am seeing this space more and more as a place for sharing information that I hope will help people. (I say people because not all rape and domestic abuse victims are female.)
When I wrote my 'Closing Comments' regarding my recovering from sexual assault almost two months ago, it was my intent that those would be the last things I wanted to say about the issue. Through comments and emails that I have received from fellow Spacers, however, I have come to realize that my sharing may actually help someone, and I have developed an increased desire to provide information that might aid others in conquering their circumstances. I have a mission. If my writing can make a difference in just one person's life, then blogging about these issues will be worth it.
There is a lot of help out there for crime victims, but it often seems somewhat cold, bureaucratic, and distant. By posting my poems and notes about my experiences, I hope to put a personal face on these issues and create a place for dialogue, understanding, and compassion. Very simply, I have shifted other material to Junk Drawer so that the information here doesn't get watered down.
My second reason for having two blogs is much more technical in nature. I jumped the gun in starting this space. Back in November 2004, I learned that MSN Spaces was doing beta testing in Japan. I was eager to have a blog, and rather than being patient, I went to the Japanese MSN Spaces, muddled through the Kanji and Katakana characters to set up my space, and started blogging. Back then, all of my headings were in Japanese, but that didn't stop me.
In December 2004, MSN Spaces was launched in the United States. Unfortunately, things did not go as smoothly for my space as I had hoped. While my space appears like any other space in the U.S., there are many features that do not work correctly. I cannot create music or book lists with automatic links to MSN Music and Amazon. All of the links in my book list have been created manually, and I don't get the cute little image of the book cover unless I go through html hell. (And, I'm really bummed about that.)
I have asked the folks at MSN Spaces what can be done about this and no one seems to know. Andrea, who's blog was also initially in Japanese, couldn't help me. What gives?? (He was on the inside on conversion night.) Even Nasa, tester extraordinaire, was unable to provide an answer.
Alas...
Since I have managed to capture both wilma.spaces.msn.com AND wilma2.spaces.msn.com, I have been unwilling to delete this space and start again. Furthermore, I have done A LOT of writing here, and I don't want to lose it.
So, I guess my second reason is both technical and selfish in nature. :-)
The conclusion to all this is that I will give a purpose to what would otherwise become an abandoned space, and you can come to Junk Drawer if you're interested in other aspects of my life. 2006/6/4 Sexual Assault - Closing CommentsHello. My name is Wilma, and I am a rape survivor.
It's taken me a long time to be able to say that.
Unfortunately, if there was a Rape Victims Anonymous group, it would be a big, big group.
I needn't tell you we live in a sick, sick world.
For those of you who have been here since I started blogging about my recovery, three days after I was attacked, you have witnessed how difficult the healing process is. I cannot express how thankful I am for your comments, your prayers, your advice, your sharing, and your friendship. Writing about my experience was and continues to be an intregal part of my healing.
About a month ago, I copied everything I had written here and all of your comments, saved them into a Word document for safekeeping, and deleted all of the entries regarding my rape from my blog. There were over fifty pages of very, very small text!
But why blog and then delete?
I have always written about my rape with the thought that what I wrote might someday help someone else. As I returned home from the hospital, and started to write, I needed to give purpose to what had happened to me. I knew that the healing process, which I started by going to the police and to the hospital, was going to be an important one. I felt the best way for me to regain my power was to share my experience, to give transparency to this all to often hidden crime against women.
But in order to move forward I feel it's necessary to summarize what I've learned rather than dwell in the past. While I recognize and respect that each person's experience will be different, here are my thoughts as they pertain to my recovery.... I hope they help whoever finds them here.
1. Going to the hospital was the single-most important step that I took. I should note that I waited three days before taking this step. (I initially blamed myself for what happened.) The social worker and trauma nurse who conducted my forensic exam were extremely compassionate, sensitive to the shock I was in, and very well-trained. Not only did the trip to the hospital put the crime in perspective (you don't have to take photos of bruises and lacerations after a normal date) but opened me up to receiving other services to help in my recovery, namely the Crime Victims Compensation Program, a series of Hepatitis B shots and antibiotics, and counselling. You should not have to pay a dime if you have been sexually assaulted or raped. I would urge all women to get the medical attention they need.
Reporting the crime to the police is directly linked with going to the hospital. In order to receive benefits from the Crime Victims Compensation Program you will need to report the crime to the police. This step was unpleasant for me. My interviews with the police left me emotionally drained. However, when compared to the other help I have received by filing a report, the short amount of time I had to spend with the police was well worth it.
2. Get counselling specifically for post traumatic stress. Even if you think you are doing fine, there will be times when you're not. There are different phases that one goes through during the healing process. Counselling will help you recognize how the crime has affected your life and give you tools for coping with your feelings.
3. You are not to blame for what happened to you. At one point or another, most victims will blame themselves. It goes along with the anger one feels after the attack. You may wonder what you could have done differently to protect yourself both before and after the attack, but you are not to blame. Rapists are a special breed of criminal. They know how to read people and prey on the kindness of others to commit their crimes. They are con artists. (i.e. Ted Bundy) You are not to blame for the vile, disgusting, violent actions of another person.
4. Find a healthy way to express your anger. Left unexpressed it turns into self-blame, depression, alcohol and drug abuse and other unhealthy coping mechanisms. These coping mechanisms are quite common after being raped, but there are better ways to get yourself back to feeling normal.
5. Make a list of the people you can turn to for support. The information about your rape may make some people feel uncomfortable. Others will be there in the beginning but then grow weary. They may make you feel like you should be healed before you are really ready. And still others will be rock solid in their support. Figure out who those people are. Make a list. Ask them directly for their help and know when they are available to you. It's best to have a few people on your list so that you don't wear out the ear of one particular person.
6. Have faith that your life will eventually get back to normal. Many victims go through a phase where they feel like the event has left them damaged. I struggled with this one A LOT. The biggest turning point in my recovery was when I was able to finally admit that I had been a 'VICTIM'. I was afraid the event left me tarnished and broken somehow. Recognition of what has happened to you will lead you to steps in your recovery. Denial will keep you stuck. Go back and read #2 again.
7. Don't be afraid of new insights and self-discovery. Perhaps it sounds cheesy to say that "that which does not kill us makes us stronger," but for me, the healing process has changed the way I look at myself and others in a better, more positive way. Through counselling, I had to face the fact that there may have been patterns in my behavior in the past that left me vulnerable to attack, and I have made decisions about how to proceed with my life and my future relationships. Unfortunately, a rape or sexual assault may be the catalyst for greater self-discovery and self respect. Some final details...
After all these months, my attacker will not be charged with a crime. The prosecuting attorney's office has determined that it would be too difficult to prove his guilt beyond a shadow of a doubt. He is approximately 6'2" tall, with black hair and brown eyes, of Egyptian/Spanish descent, extremely handsome, soft-spoken and initially very polite. He is living in the Seattle area, and is free to rape another woman as soon as the opportunity is afforded him. (I have no doubt that he has already done so more than once.)
But ask me if filing a report was worth it, and I will say yes. Filing a report and going to the hospital made the difference in my recovery. There are people specifically trained to help with this kind of trauma, and victims do not need to go through the process alone. Filing a report is the single-most important thing I did to take my power back. 2006/4/18 Comfort WomanOf all the books I could have chosen to read right now, I happened to grab this one....
Comfort Woman by Nora Okja Keller
Two chapters into this book, I told a friend of mine that I wasn't sure if I could continue reading it. The subject matter was so strong and emotionally poignant.
He suggested that I pick up something light. Perhaps a book by Sadaris or Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain.
Comfort Woman is anything but comfortable. It tells of the mother-daughter relationship of Akiko and Beccah.
Beccah tells of her embarassment at her mother's foreign ways, her fear when her mother falls into one of her trances, and her feelings of responsibility and anger at her mother.
But Beccah is completely ignorant of her Korean mother's history in theJapanese 'recreation camps' of World War II where she was sold into prostitution for her older sister's dowry. The slavery of the camps is described in graphic detail and is truly horrific. Then Akiko escapes the camps only to enter into an unhappy marriage to an American missionary.
It is only after her mother's death that Beccah learns the truth.
Two passages in particular grabbed me for their power to articulate the feelings of disassociation that so often accompany extreme stress or trauma.
In the first Akiko is describing the advice given to her by a woman with whom she traveled to the mission:
The second comes from Akiko's wedding night:
Through the violence, madness, and misery, Nora Okja Keller weaves a lyrical prose which is both compelling and heart wrenching. In the end, it is a beautifully told story, told through the love of a daughter for her mother.
If you can handle the subject matter, it's definitely worth your time. It will leave you contemplating the complexities and mysteries of the lives of those closest to you.
2006/4/4 Coming up for air...I've been studying and studyng, and today I finally took the first section of my licensing exam. Whew! I have to wait 4 weeks to find out whether I passed or not, so keep your fingers crossed! 2006/3/26 The GardenAnd one last poem for now...
I will give them a rest for a while.
The Garden
If I could take a simple flower,
and make a garden grow,
I'd walk through it 'til winter came
and covered it with snow.
I'd stroll throughout my garden,
and smell the fragrant air.
I'd stand and let the sun warm me,
and the wind lift through my hair.
I'd lie down in my garden,
and look up at the sky,
watch bunnies, turtles, funny things
as the clouds drift by.
I'd close my eyes and feel my body
melt into the ground,
and appreciate the silence
with no one else around.
I'd take a moment to reflect
on where I am today,
satisfied with where I am,
and glad I came this way.
© 1992 WS 2006/3/20 Writer's BlockThis is another funny writer's poem:
Writer's Block
I don't know the words that I want to use.
The rhymes are all gone, and I'm so confused.
The thoughts always come when I'm lying in bed.
They hustle and bustle, and dart through my head.
This always happens late in the night.
I jump out of bed and continue to write.
I write and then scratch and then write it again.
What I need now is erasable pen.
I can't find a topic. What should I do?
I should be asleep; it's a quarter to two.
I guess I'll lie down and start counting sheep.
Maybe the words will come back in my sleep.
© 1989 WS 2006/3/18 Wish AwayThe past week has really seemed like a long one. I had a busy week at work, and no time to blog.
I will leave you with another poem, which I wrote over a decade ago. (I only have two more old poems to share after this, and then I will have to start composing some new ones.)
Sometimes it's funny to go back and read the things we wrote in our twenties....
Wish Away
A sunny day,
a golden beach,
seaweed to my nose,
I wish I was in paradise,
sand squishing through my toes.
A starlit night,
a ballroom floor,
music soft and warm,
I wish I was a princess,
men smitten by my charm.
But here I sit,
alone again,
thinking of my day.
I wish that all life's problems
would all just go away.
© 1989 WS 2006/3/11 So TiredI still have a lot of work to do today, so I'll have to leave you with another poem dug up from my twenties. I will blog something and respond to comments tomorrow evening. I promise.
So Tired
What was I supposed to say
when you did not come home?
I couldn't stand the emptiness
of being all alone.
My heart can't take the bitterness
I feel inside each night
as I crawl into our empty bed,
and then turn out the light.
It isn't that I missed you;
I'm used to this, you see.
I'm always sleeping by myself;
you're never here with me.
I can't explain the feelings
I have for you inside.
And now, I can't remember
the last time it was I cried.
My heart is hard; our love is cold.
I don't want you anymore.
Then you expect a kiss from me
when you come through our door.
Where have you been tonight?
I'm not sure I want to know.
I just know that I am tired of this,
and that's why I must go.
I'll pack my bags when you go out,
and be gone when you get home.
I know there's more to life than this,
and I must find it on my own.
You shoud've seen the warning signs.
This I know for sure.
You should've known that things weren't right
when I stopped asking where you were.
Remember I once loved you.
You were everything to me.
But you can't give, you never will,
this just wasn't meant to be.
I know that when you read this
you won't believe your eyes,
but I need something for myself.
I loved you once.
Goodbye.
© 1990 WS 2006/3/10 What a World of Black and Blue Can DoSorry to leave everybody hanging. I have a big deadline next week, and I've been a little stressed out about it. I've been working longer days than usual. Blogging might have to wait until the weekend. I will try to respond to your comments from the last post at that time.
In the meantime, I will post another one of the poems I dug up in my recent cleaning expedition. This is one I've shared before, and then deleted. Here it is again:
What a World of Black and Blue Can Do
Take a good, long look at me,
and tell me what you see.
Is this the way a ten-year-old girl
is supposed to be?
With scars so deep you cannot see,
they're hidden deep inside.
I've been stripped of all my self-esteem,
my confidence, my pride.
His fists have beat me black and blue
many, many times,
but no one ever sees these acts,
his awful, brutal crimes.
I don't believe you when you say
you know what I'm going through.
How can you, unless you've spent each day
in a world of black and blue?
Take a good, long look at me,
and tell me what you see.
Is this the way a twenty-one-year-old
is supposed to be?
My scars are deep, so very deep,
they've been here now for years.
The many years of bitterness have
dried up all my tears.
I don't trust men; I never will.
Maybe I'm afraid.
I loved and trusted my father once.
Look at the price I paid.
I don't believe you when you say
someday I'll change my tune.
I'm here to tell you. You don't know
what a world of black and blue can do.
© 1990 WS |
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